It’s as if I like pain and I just keep going back for more!

Friday I made the trek to UCI to talk to a counselor about transferring, such as what classes I’m missing and which I need to take. So I get there, and the campus! It is so big! It must be at least three times the size of CSUF. And everyone looked so happy! Not like at Fullerton… everyone on cellphones, waiting for their class to start or rushing to their cars afterwards. With butterflies in my stomach and directions from my brother (thanks {Chris} :kawaii: ), I march into the administration office. After a wait, I ask a very nice counselor if I could please see someone to talk about transferring please? She asked if I was a community college student and I replied, no, I attend Cal State Fullerton.

Well. Apparently they do not offer counseling for students attending Cal State Universities, because [insert reason here that I still don’t understand, something about not having an articulation agreement with Cal States? I don’t know]. This would have been nice to know, since it was never mentioned in any of the information I read online or when I called to ask about making an appointment. She very kindly asked if there were any general questions she could help me with, since I drove all this way and was already here?

Here is a thing you need to know about me. I am a wuss. I can’t handle confrontation in any form. Even if it isn’t a negative encounter I fall apart; my eyes water, my throat constricts and my voice gets shaky, I start to feel embarassed, so angry and frustrated at myself because WHY am I acting this way?

So when it comes time for me to stand up for myself, ask a question or two, it takes all of my willpower to pull it together and not cry in front of complete strangers, who thereby find out I am mentally imbalanced. I calmly ask her something about transferrability of courses and she proceeds to show me a wonderful trick on assist.org, since it does not offer CSUF -> UCI course comparison.

But then she dealt the final blow. I mentioned that I would be applying for the winter quarter and she kindly let me know that actually, they may not be allowing transfers for the winter quarter and if they do, it will give priority to community college students. I am welcome to call the first week of June and find out, however. Spring quarter they never allow transfers for, but I am welcome to apply for the Fall 2006 quarter. (By the way, no where in their literature or website do they mention these facts, which may or may not be completely true, but I figure since she’s a counselor she would know).

I don’t know if it was the whole feeling of rejection since no one would even see me for counseling or if it was the thought of having to be at CSUF for another year that did it, but I nearly fell apart in that office. I thanked the lady for all of her help (and she really was very helpful) and I walked to my car, which I paid $7 to park for a 20 minute or so visit.

On my way home, I shed a few tears and pondered what I should do now. Is this really worth it? If things work out the way the counselor said, I would not even be able to go to UCI until my senior year. Hell! I might as well just stay at CSUF!

And I’m sure the thought of having to continue my schooling the way it’s going for another year at least sent me over the edge. I felt like everything I had worked for was for nothing. Then I kept regretting things I had done, if only I had taken 15 units my first two semesters at CSUF or summer school or intersession, I could have applied for the Fall 2005 semester! If only I had never gone to CSUF! If only I wasn’t so stupid and just went to UCD at least I would be somewhere that wasn’t Fullerton, even if I wasn’t with Mike anymore! And more horrible thoughts. I blamed Santa Margarita for not counseling me, I blamed my parents for not making me to go UCD, I blamed Mike for being so good to me that I didn’t want to leave him; but eventually I knew the only person I could blame was myself and that was the hardest pill of all to swallow.

Once I got home, of course everyone wanted to know how it went. And after crying all the way home about it, I was less than eager to talk about it. However, my mom could not take “I don’t want to talk about it,” for an answer and I ended up getting in a fight with her because she would not leave me alone. Add a dose of Mike not answering his cellphone because he had no reception in the parking structure at work where he was trying to catch a few precious winks of sleep he hardly gets, and you have a hysterical me.

Really, looking back on it the thing was not as bad as I reacted. It isn’t as if they kicked me out on the street and told me never to come back, but I guess I was just so disappointed. I did not expect them to be so uncooperative and discouraging, and I let it get the best of me. The worst part was when Mike called before he started work and he blamed the fact that I stayed here at home on himself, and I made no attempt to stop him, not only that but agreed with him.

It isn’t his fault that I chose to attend CSUF. How could I have known that it really would have been so wrong for me as it was? How could anyone have anticipated that the education that I got in high school would be better than CSUF? No, it’s all my fault and it’s hard not having anyone else but yourself to blame.

Where am I going from here? Not sure. I suppose I will apply for the Winter Quarter as planned if they are offering it, and we’ll see. Mike suggested I apply elsewhere, but really… I don’t know where else to go. Who knows. At this point, I barely want to finish college.