The English Department at SMCHS and their ev1l plot to kill off the AP students.

Yes, reader, I’m proud to say that I have uncovered the plot to kill the AP students of SMCHS. After many years of suffering through this program, it has occured to me that our teachers, whom we have previously thought to be caring and hardworking instructors, are not preparing us for college or any series of exams that will ensure our entrance into the realm that will determine our futures; they are simply preparing us for and driving us toward death.

As shocking as this assertion seems, I assure you it is the truth. With the entrance into this program, the young, impressionable student is bombarded with two texts to be completed before school begins: The Odyssey and The Return of the Native. On the surface, it appears that the instruction of these two books is perfectly natural as they are declared classics. However, under further scrutiny it becomes apparent that these are none other than books of death. In The Odyssey, Odysseus has finally defeated the Trojans, but alas, he is stuck on an island with a deranged goddess who is in love with him. Finally, he is able to leave the island, only to learn that his palace is overrun with man vying for his wife’s hand in marriage. He and his son devise a plot to kill the suitors, and then they kill the families of the suitors to finish it off. As you can see, this book is no more a classic than your average horror movie; and only serves to further the plot of the English teachers. In addition to being a book full of terror, its length alone is enough to instill fear and suicidal thoughts into those who dare touch it. Essays are not a measure of the understanding of the book alone, but a test to see how far the young student has succumbed to the awesome plan of the English department. At the end of this year, after suffering through other books such as Adam Bede and Romeo and Juliet, the young child moves on to one of the most fearsome courses of all: British Literature Honors.

It is a well-known fact that the British are incapable of writing anything other than tales of death and dramatically depressing epics. Upon looking at this list, many cite that this list contains more books that they have read in their entire life. Included in this course is Beowulf, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Lord Jim, Jane Eyre, Tess of the d’Ubervilles, A Tale of Two Cities, Macbeth, The Tempest, and a series of equally painful poetry, the Pre- AP/IB student now knows the cruel reality that is life. However, this reality is terribly distorted due to the influence of these depressing books. Every one of these books ends with the death of the protagonist, and if not the protagonist than someone he or she is close to and depends on. The student now realizes the only relief is death. The essays which the student writes reinforce this belief. Those receiving A’s have fully understood this fact, B’s signal the transformation to the dark side, C’s are a slight understanding, while D’s and F’s belong to those students who refuse to believe that life can only contain sorrow and misfortune. These students drop out of the program after this year, while the blind cattle are pushed on to the third year of the course, where their loyalty shall be tested in the Advanced Placement exam.

Upon entering English III AP/IB, the student reads books which question society and the values which society dictates. Woman Warrior, The Awakening, A Doll’s House, Blood Wedding, The Sound and the Fury, Einstein’s Dreams, Chronicle of a Death Foretold, as well as a study of the speeches of Martin Luther King, Jr., are among the books which the student will study and know by year’s end. The only book which gives the student inspiration is Einstein’s Dreams, thrown in simply to jar those who seem to catching on to the evil plan of the English department. At the end of the year comes the AP exam, those who pass are officially on the right track to Death by English, also known as DBE. The last year of the English Honors program exists to lock those students in to their destinies: DBE.

As a student currently enrolled in the last year of the english honors program, it is difficult for me to analyze this last year. All I can say is that death is imminent, and those of you reading this who are not in your last year: get out while you can, it isn’t too late. Save yourself from suffering through books like The Shipping News , The Autumn of the Patriarch, East-West, The Bone People, and Surfacing, in addition to the death-infused poetry of T.S. Eliot and Sylvia Plath. I can say from personal experience that all of these pieces of literature exist only to drive the student to madness and suicide, and their study is not worth the sacrifice of your own young life.

P.S. This is a satire and should not be taken seriously. 🙂